The haldol inner…Me — LiveJournal

It has definitly been sometime since i have typed in haldol im this journal, I use to do this regularly but lately i just haldol im cant seem to get anything out, i just am an emotional roller coaster. My bi polar is taking over me and its stupid haldol im that the drs here wont give me the medicine i haldol im know that works for me because i have been on haldol im it for years. My anxiety is worse by far the worst it has haldol im been its almost to the point that i cant go haldol im outside because i get panicky and i cant even drive haldol im some days. I use to love going grocery shopping or hell even haldol im window shopping when i didnt have the money to actually haldol im buy stuff, now i have to coax myself to spend 5 minnutes haldol im in the store. I tell the damn doctor this and he just doesnt haldol im seem to give two shits. I had to call the crisis hotline the other day haldol im because i just kept having these angry outbursts and then haldol im 5 seconds in i would ball my eyes out but haldol im they say its cause of everything im going through. I went to fl a month ago to see my haldol im mom and all and it just didnt feel like home, not only was it a new house but nothing of haldol im my mom was there…..It was like my mom was erased….Even her pillows didnt smell like her, there wasnt a single article of clothing there and it haldol im was silent because my steep dad was at work and haldol im so was my brother. I would go visit my mom but it was so haldol im hard to just watch her lay in the hospital bed.My family has always been so close, and i hardly even got to see my brother chris haldol im because he couldnt make it out to me. It hurt so bad when i saw him bcause it haldol im felt so distant, i just didnt feel like my family was there….And my marriage idk just doesnt feel the same, its like we love each other but one of those haldol im just love isnt enough, i feel distant and more so now that hes trying haldol im to join the navy, i feel like hes making a choice to abandon me. He says " i dont want to do this but its for the haldol im kids so they have a better future." who am i to argue a reason like that? The navy wants me to write a statement stating i haldol im support this decision but in my heart i dont….The only reason i am doing it is because i haldol im love him ad i want to support him in everything haldol im that he wants to do….Especially because i dont want him to hate me later haldol im for keeping him from going. I have no friends here, i dont know anyone….And hes just going to leave me here….Im so scared! I have no one to talk to about it because haldol im i know if i tell him i dont want him haldol im to go he wont, which is what i want but wont let it happen…..I almost want him to fail the ASVAB so that haldol im he doesnt go, or even MEPS…..Isnt that selfish? I mean we have only been married for one year haldol im and hes already trying to leave….Is there something wrong with me? Idk ever since he got drunk the first night at haldol im my step dads i just cant get it out of haldol im my head, he basically told me i was to controlling and i haldol im need to just let him live his life, and that hes not perfect and i need to stop haldol im pretending that he is and making him out to be haldol im this great perfect man….That im trying to change him, and that im not perfect either….But he said it in such a hateful way, and everytime i tried to speak he just said "shut the fuck up." hes never spoke to me like that before….It hurt me so bad that when we came back haldol im to TN it didnt even feel like home, it still doesnt….I feel like we are two people bound by a haldol im document that is keeping us here but neither wants to haldol im be….Hell its been 2 months since we have slept in haldol im the same bed, he hardly kisses me or loves on me and it haldol im hurts because i love this man so much but its haldol im so obvious that hes either falling out of love or haldol im just something is up…..I try to ask him if he doesnt love me haldol im anymore but he says he does love me so much….But then again he never talks to me about anything….Unless he has had a beer wghich seems like more haldol im and more lately…..God im sitting here crying now that this is all haldol im coming out since i have had noone to talk to haldol im about anything….Some days i just sit in the tub and think haldol im about what it maybe like to drown, wish i could just die and have the ability to haldol im come back…..I would stand by my family and see how everyone haldol im acts…..Im just so lost and i have no one and haldol im the one i have is trying to leave…..He told me the other day that im not the haldol im same woman he married, that i have lost my spunk, why is that? Where did it go? When did it go? He said i always look miserable, but thats not true…..I just dont know who i am….Im 25 /and i dont even know what i want with my haldol im life yet…..I have 3 kids and no plan….Fuck…..Does that also make me a crappy mom that i haldol im dont know what to do with my life??? I wish i knew what to do…..